NSFW Gamergasm – The Gamer Dating Game

The Gamer Dating Game

All of us have issues with dating. All of us. Even those of us who managed to put out the right pokeball and…you know…after the long battles – catch the ones we thought we wanted – there are always issues that come up. (Yes. I did just open an article about the pitfalls of nerd dating with a really bad pokemon reference…It is that kind of day.)

We all have issues. Every last one of us. I can really only speak with any real authority on the ones I have actually had so…Let’s get this started.

As gamers, purveyors of the particular brand of “cool” we all tend to gravitate toward – we’ve all had the experience of dating people who not only don’t “get” us, but who SAY they are fine dating a gamer and then REALLY AREN’T.

I started playing games seriously when I was about fourteen. When I was eighteen, I was on a competitive all female Counter-Strike team. We were relatively good – but our main purpose (as far as I can tell in 2001) was to have guys throw tampons at us when we actually managed to win. Someone also made us a lovely banner that said “Get the fuck back in the kitchen. (And make me a sammich)”

NSFW Gamer

Gamers the world over have similar problems when it comes to dating. All of us want to find that special someone who will just accept us for who we are and know when to shut up and let us keep playing.

There. I said it. I’ll be the bad guy.

NSFW Gamer

There are things ALL OVER the internet about guy gamers wanting to either find that magical girl gamer to have, hold, and be with forever – or guys just talking about wanting to have a girl who UNDERSTANDS what it is like being a gamer and really when not to push some issues.

There are (finally) female gamers speaking out about what it is like for us dating. In doing research for this article, I happened to come across some of the most astoundingly stupid stuff on the internet. Dating is difficult for everyone. Even when you are lucky enough to FIND that magic person you don’t want to strangle after the first five minutes of being together – dating is HARD.

NSFW Gamer

When one of your hobbies involves screaming things like “What the fuck are you doing – If I had balls they would be bigger than yours!” into a headset at perfect strangers makes it REALLY hard to keep up the illusion that you are some kind of dainty girl, or whatever the hell it is that men seem to want.

The day that I turned thirty and realized that I wasn’t married yet I started doing some soul searching. For me, this means that I spent a lot of time PvPing and yelling things into a headset at strangers. I have nothing against consoles, and I am actively trying to get into console gaming, I’ve just always had better computers and could only afford to indulge in one hobby at a time. Let’s face it…Gaming is not exactly a cheap hobby the way most of us like to do it, and we all tend to go a little overboard on our games of choice.

For most of my life I have mostly dated men who really were not that into gaming. In fact, gaming was one of the direct causes of the end of the last serious long term relationship I had. The man knew when he met me that I was a gamer. He said he thought it was “cute”. Toward the end of the relationship however, he actually told me that he believed that MMO games were responsible for most of the problems that the world was facing – and that I had a choice…I could repent from my gaming ways and learn to adapt to life with him, in the real world and never pick up a game again, or I could kiss him goodbye.

There were a lot of problems with that relationship. He wasn’t a bad person – He was sixteen years my senior, and ultimately I think that at the end of the day most of the things he said he loved about me were ultimately the things he couldn’t deal with.

Every single relationship has issues. The biggest difference between the relationships that survive and the ones that, well, don’t is that at the end of the day the people who make it work still believing that the relationship is worth fighting for and the ones who break up just can’t justify doing that anymore.

It isn’t some major complicated mystery here.

I do think that gamers and geeks (respectively) have challenges that other people in the “real world” don’t. Typically, we are all very passionate people. We tend to go all in for things. Most of us tend to be smart, funny, and we have the innate ability to piss off people we are with (which most of us do without really trying to).

NSFW Gamer

Being a girl gamer brings with it some other issues. My whole life MOST of my friends have been men. This is because A) I tend to get along better with dudes in general B) there aren’t a ton of other girls who hang out at the game and comic stores who weren’t brought there by their significant others and C) at the end of the day the only drama I like is stuff I write or play. Real Life drama – the kind that most women I have been around tend to indulge in – actually really pisses me off. I have no idea what to do with it.

As much as the guys I have dated have SAID that they were all cool with my mostly male posse – it has ALWAYS at some point caused issues.

NSFW Gamer

As one of my boyfriends put it to me “I know what I am thinking when I look at your ass. If I am thinking it then I know other guys are too. I really don’t want to have to punch every man around you in the face because your ass is fantastic.”

Bottom line, gamer or not, relationships are hard. There’s a reason so few survive, and if you are lucky enough to be in one that has you know that no relationship is perfect. You and your significant other are probably well aware that these things are fragile and that keeping one alive and healthy deserves a fucking achievement, or at least a special title for unlocking one of the most difficult real life things without some kind of dungeon guide.

If you say you have that shit figured out, or that you are some kind of dating/relationship zen master, then you are either incredibly convoluted or you are a lying liar who is lying out of your lie hole.

As we get older – and things in our lives change and evolve – our tastes, standards, and everything should change and evolve with us. We should all grow and hopefully this includes finding a partner who we can be with that loves and respects us for who we actually are – not who they want us to be or conversely, what they think the want.

The world is full of mixed messages about sex, love, and dating. There are weird unspoken rules and sex and dating top the charts of things that there are weird unspoken rules about.

They are also two of the most amazing and gratifying things in the world. When you can find a partner who compliments you, and you manage to compliment them, then for a moment it’s like the world is the awesome place we all want it to be.

Bottom line is this – Be yourself. Be upfront about who you are and have realistic expectations about yourself and your partner. Gamer or not he/she deserves to know what your habits and your level of involvement really is. Hiding in the gamer closet and having the “Surprise! I play this game six hours a night!” talk is never fun. Especially because it rarely goes well.

If you are a gamer and your partner isn’t, chances are that they don’t know what you see in gaming. Chances are actually very good that they really don’t see it at all and there is some kind of resentment brewing. That is NOT a good thing. If significant other isn’t down with gaming chances are that it has LESS to do with the games and MORE to do with the partner feeling disconnected from you. Do your best to bridge that and you will be closer to climbing that mountain. Trying to include them never hurts. Of course, they may never really take to gaming though you never know until you try, but they will be happy you are trying to get close to them. Ultimately, when your woman (or man) is yelling at you to get off the fucking video game, they wouldn’t care if they didn’t want to be spending that time with you.

Of course, if your girl is like me though, she’s probably already at home, naked, screaming into a mic somewhere making someone REALLY sorry that they logged in. If she isn’t? Try and teach her, she may surprise you.

– Lexxx ~ Twitter ~ Blog

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18 Responses to “NSFW Gamergasm – The Gamer Dating Game”

  1. Fanalmighty1337 says:

    This article is well written and extremely insightful. The comics really help bring the points into to focus!

  2. mactreebeard says:

    I enjoyed the frank analysis and soul bearing comments. It adds credibility to your point of view. Bravo for your truth telling and sharing with us your experiences.

  3. Ben says:

    Why can’t ‘raid night’ be an acceptable excuse to miss a date?

  4. Thank you both. I appreciate your reading. I spent a bit of time picking out all the pics. I like to try and make people laugh. It’s fun for me.

  5. Ben –

    With me, Raid Night very well could BE the date…so I have no idea.

  6. glcorp says:

    love the article Lexx a lot of very valid points.

  7. Thank you GL. I am really very glad that you liked it <3

  8. Juri says:

    So I’m days away from moving into a house with a mortgage with the woman of my dreams. She is NOT a gamer but is geeky still.

    Been up front with her from day 1 about just how much I game. As you have said – I’ve tried to include her and she has tried to take an interest – and although not by any means a gamer she enjoys it when we do play something a bit more casual together.

    On the other hand I make concessions too. Some evenings I snuggle with her on the sofa while she watches some god-awful soap’s. And I make a point of trying to pay enough attention to comment on a few characters droll actions. Again – shes fully aware that soap’s are most definitely not my thing.

    I agree, in the relationships that it doesn’t work if they look at the gaming as a cute quirk. Or for that matter if they THINK their a gamer….. and they so really are NOT. My last relationship… that was definitely a stumbling point. She though she was a geeky gamer. After the first few months she was pestering me incessantly int he middle of cut scenes and crap and so HELP ME GOD’S its a miracle I didn’t scream at her but… I was trying you know? But yea she was a psycho in other regards so not the best example anyway.

    Good article though. I completely agree with the view points I can associate with and was interested to read the ones I don’t have experience with.

  9. Scond says:

    Im a gamer guy, and i dont think I’ve actual dated a gamer girl, not for lack of trying.But most of my relationships have been long distance. i think gamer couples separated by distance have better chances to work because of the games they play, they have more options on how to communicate and spend time together. Over all i though this was very enlightening and give me a bit of hope.

  10. Juri,

    Congrats of finding the woman of your dreams! That is so awesome!

    It is really cool that she is supportive of you and that you two have managed to find a balance with things. I don’t have to tell you this but you are very lucky.

    I’ve met many friends (women usually) that THINK they are gamers – and they REALLY REALLY aren’t. It has been a sticking point with me in romantic relationships with both men and women as well as in friendships. I have had to learn when to compromise and when to stick to my guns. It is a long learning process that I am grateful to be a part of.

    Thank you for your long and well thought out comment!

  11. Scond,

    I too have done the long distance gamer dating dance a lot. It has its ups and downs. It has often been really awesome to use the game time together AS the date – it teaches you to work together in ways that you normally wouldn’t have to.

    I know that you will eventually find the right woman – or at the very least someone who will make you happy. You seem too sweet not to.


  12. JimmyBones says:

    I have nothing really to add to this other then a few two cents, and a short story of my ex gamer girl.

    I am down for whatever happens in a relationship. You have to fight too keep it together for it to stay together. If you both don’t want it. Thats is what makes it hard.
    I say yes, play a game together. I say yes to play game apart. I say yes to working fun sexy times into games “Those can be fun”.

    But then you have the other side of this coin.

    My first real GF was not a gamer. Her family did not like them “unless it was Solitaire”. When she moved out and needed to get a computer for school. She asked what I did in my free time? Other then cracking a lewd joke and saying her. I said I was playing a new Game that came out, and your computer should be able to play it. That game was StarCraft, and little did I know that was the game that was going to ruin it for me.
    After I installed it for her. She jumped right into it, for 3 weeks. She did her schooling, but as soon as she was done. It was back to that game.
    I tried to win her back, but the game took her over. I miss her sometimes, but I will always remember the fun times we had that first few games together. Two Protoss power houses killing other players.

  13. JimmyBones,

    You know, I had a boyfriend that I did that with…The Game was Diablo II. Then Everquest…I lost him completely to Everquest. He is now married with lovely babies to our former guild healer. 😉

    It really is a double edged sword.

  14. JimmyBones says:

    Never got into EverQuest, but I am guilty for WoW. And DII is awesome. I have it on a thumb drive, and just pop it in and play when I feel like it.
    Back to the other thing. It is a double edge sword, and the last time I saw her. Gaming had taken over her life, and I mean not in a healthy way. It hurt me to see the woman I felt and fell for looking the way she did, but she was happy. I would rather her be happy. Then be miserable. ^__^

  15. DevilSugar says:

    So many good points here. A relationship is a second career- first you need to find the right one for you, then you have to work at it. It’s not going to just happen. My girl and I seem to dazzle our friends with how happy we are, but it’s the product of working together rather than just going with the flow.

    I’m glad you included the part about how a gamer needs to know when to unplug, it’s massively important, and not just in the “come to bed” moments. It’s funny how well we’ve worked it out, though, because I love my lengthy single player RPG’s, and yet when traveling through the wasteland of New Vegas she said “there’s something strangely romantic about wandering through the desert like this.” I can also recall when it came time in Mass Effect to deal with the Rachni Queen I was conflicted and she said “I don’t know… The Queen reminds me of Mother Brain.” With that, the Queen’s fate was sealed.

    Sometimes it’s just finding a game that you can work together on, like the Magic: The Gathering digital series. Of course, its slow pace and methodical gameplay don’t exactly scratch my itch for a story or feeling like combat has an impact, but much like the point-and-click adventure games she likes, there’s a new kind of completion high when you’ve used your brain rather than your reflexes. Working together to find the solutions just added a little extra something.

    Good luck finding the right gamer guy for you, Lexxx. Oh, and congratulations on having a fantastic ass 😀

  16. Juri says:

    Oh gods EverQuest!

    So glad I was pretty darn single through my EQ years! That would have been hard to sustain a relationship through. Specially EQ1, some of my best (and longest) gaming memories are from back then…. good times~

    Of course I’m now in the closed beta for EverQuest Next Landmark….. but I’m a more balanced individual now 😀 I’ve managed to go all day without touching it…. *mumble* even if I did stay up till 3am playing last night*mumble*

    Nice post DevilSugar! And thanks for the reply Lexxx!

  17. DevilSugar-

    I always ALWAYS enjoy your posts on my articles. Reading about you and your lady love made my day. Hearing about couples like you guys who work together makes me immensely happy.

    I like to believe that the couple that games together stays together. Sometimes I am proven wrong, but that’s usually because they weren’t right for each other in the first place…If that makes sense.

    As for meeting the right guy (or girl..meow)- We will see where life takes me. All I know is that He or She better be ready to grab the bull by the horns and ride it out. I’m a bit of a handful ;). In a good way I think though ;).

    As for my ass – It thanks you.


    I was in High School when the I was wrestling the EQ demon – So I didn’t have a date for ANYTHING…So that wasn’t a problem. I Dated this guy toward the end of the EQ days. He married the woman he fell in love with and I had a part in that.

    I now STILL play WoW and run a Roleplay guild there. Cause I am a level of geek that geeks laugh at (Do I get a medal?)

    No problem on the reply love. I really enjoy interactions on this site and I am glad that I am getting such a positive reaction from all you guys <3

  18. Esso says:

    Awesome arcticle. I clicked on my NSFW Gamer bookmark out of nostalgia and to my surprise there is new stuff posted. Does this mean the site is back on track or is it still dead and buried?