NSFW Gamer’s Guide to Thanksgiving/Black Friday

NSFW Gamer’s Guide to Thanksgiving/Black Friday

As I sit here typing, I can hear Christmas music emanating from the Italian restaurant where tourists in my small home town love to frequent while commenting what a quaint and cute little place this city is.

When I am done contemplating throwing napalm from my third floor window, I put on my Turtle Beach wireless headphones and realize that the music means the holiday season is upon us.

For a majority of NSFW Gamer readers, this means time spent with family we are obligated to see and may not necessarily want to see. We are here to help, as always. When you get out of the car, plane, train or some other method of transportation I haven’t thought of, you can rest assured that you came prepared for the worst. I am an expert on this subject.

I am lucky in the sense that I don’t have to go too far for this gathering of sorts. A ten minute drive with my girlfriend is all it will take, but I know a lot of you have much longer rides with much more people whom you may or may not want to be in the same ten square feet with for hours on end. This is why someone invented flasks, and a flask should be your first line of defense in a social gathering involving unwelcome family. There is no better way to evade the encroaching questions about your lack of a spouse, dwindling career opportunities and the advances of a cousin whose breasts got a lot bigger since the last time you saw her and…wait, how old is she and just how closely are we related?

Keep that whiskey close to your heart, soldier. Flasks are available at your local liquor store for around the cost of a decent bottle of whatever you were intending on putting in there anyway. You can also justify your trip to the booze haven by grabbing an extra bottle of wine, liquor or case of beer and saying you are “contributing” to the stash where dinner is taking place. Not only does this eliminate your guilty conscience, it creates an opportunity to refill at your leisure.

If you’re not a drinker, don’t fret: this is why the gaming gods invented handheld video games. Everyone has apps and quick distractions on their cell phones, but if you want to truly convince your increasingly belligerent and racist uncle who won’t shut up about the election results that you don’t want to be bothered, get your hands on a Nintendo DS (or 3DS for you big spenders). No matter how many times you have completed the game, New Super Mario Bros. will silence even the loudest argument over RG3’s long term potential as a quarterback.

Best part about that sentence? I don’t even watch football.

NSFW Gamer’s Guide to Thanksgiving/Black Friday

Once you get the family gathering out of the way, it’s time to get some serious downtime in and kick back with video games. With Thanksgiving being an American holiday, we in the United States typically have the day to ourselves. However, if you’ve been drinking heavily with family and/or stuffing yourself with every conceivable type of food placed in front of you, you’re not going to be in any condition for scoring elusive achievements. You need to play something at a slower pace.

For starters, lay off the ultra-difficult retro games. I have been meaning to tackle Super Meat Boy, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and a bunch of Mega Man games for a while. No way in hell am I going to pull that off with a vat of turkey, ham, gravy and stuffing sitting in the pit of my stomach. You would also do well to stay off multiplayer shooters, not just because of your burgeoning sloth of a food baby but because the servers are likely to be empty of competition for the same reason.

I recommend some RPG action, contributing a few hours to an epic game along the lines of Mass Effect, Skyrim, World of Warcraft or something from the Tales series that you’re not going to finish in one sitting anyway. If you’re in it for the story, just make sure you have sobered up before taking in the narrative. Nothing worse than picking up a Final Fantasy game next time and wondering what the hell happened, only to remember you forgot [insert spoilers here] thanks to a semi blackout.

When Thanksgiving is over with and you are nursing a food and alcohol hangover, it’s time to conquer the biggest boss of the holidays: shopping.

Ladies and gentlemen, after watching videos like that, I believe we all need a reminder to look at our calendars. It is 2012, and we have something amazing called the internet. It not only brings us websites like NSFW Gamer, it lets us make purchases for bullshit we don’t need from the comfort of our own chairs. Let me make something clear: if it is your intention to put yourself in an unwashed mass of people like the ones you see in this clip, I wish you the best of luck.

For those of us who don’t need to wake up at 2:00 AM for a waffle maker, there are plenty of options. If you’re looking to score games, look no further than Amazon’s lightning deals which are happening all this week. All you have to do is park your ass in your seat (or your finger on your mobile device) and wait until the appropriate time, which is spelled out at the link. Click, purchase and smile as you just saved yourself countless pounds of time and effort.

It bears repeating: there is absolutely no reason to take your life into your hands on Black Friday and venture outside. I always chuckle at the prospect of an apocalypse and know that the same people who would punch another human being in the face for a Dirt Devil would perish within minutes of a zombie attack. For everyone who reads NSFW Gamer outside of the United States, please point and laugh at America. We earn it every Thanksgiving.

NSFW Gamer’s Guide to Thanksgiving/Black Friday

Now that you’re set with a guide to Thanksgiving, all you need to do now is enjoy it. Drink yourself silly with alcohol or other sorts of hydration, eat like you’re about to hibernate and maybe even get yourself laid. We might be lazy as shit in the United States, but we still beat the fuck out of everyone else when it comes to voluntary overtime, so in all likelihood, you’ve earned this day to yourself. I have every intention of eating as much meat and vegetables as I can, followed by finally checking out the Ultimate Cut DVD of Watchmen. Here’s to doing absolutely nothing productive for once!

– Anystrom0

Image Sources
Bad Santa: Joblo.com
DS Gathering: theycallmemrlee on flickr
We’re Doomed: Gawkerassets.com

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One Response to “NSFW Gamer’s Guide to Thanksgiving/Black Friday”

  1. Noah says:

    Fan-fucking-tastic article, Anystrom0.