Gamergasm – We need Porn Star Hero

We need Porn Star Hero

You enjoy porn.

You wouldn’t be on our website if you didn’t, really.

We all have our secret kinks and fetishes deep down, and we act them out vicariously through watching paid professionals ravage each other until we are spent. Porn has existed in visual imagery since man first learned how to chisel on walls. I think it’s time we took the next evolutionary step and call upon a developer to create an instant million-seller.

We need Porn Star Hero.

To tell you the truth, much like I don’t think we’ll ever see a mature take on Mario, I doubt this kind of titillating technology will see the light of day when every company likes to play it safe with military shooters and licensed tie-ins to comic book movies. With yesterday’s release of Lollipop Chainsaw, however, I like to fantasize that there is a mind somewhere out there as crazy as Goichi Suda’s to sit down and think “you know, what’s the one experience that has yet to be detailed in a video game?”

Isn’t the whole point of playing a video game to experience something we would never be able to accomplish in the real world? Everyone reading this has at least harbored thoughts of becoming an adult entertainer. Multiple partners a day, piles of cash seeping out of every dresser drawer, mountains of coke stacked on your desk – this is already beginning to sound like a spin-off of a Saints Row game. What could separate this experience from being just a simple minigame in a deeper core campaign is dedication and passion, something ironically lacking in most AAA titles today.

There should be two campaigns available for this game – male and female. I see no reason why you shouldn’t be able to customize how your character looks – skin tone, height, hair color, eye color and basic parameters can be set by you in the beginning. Breast size and penis length can be set as well, but only to a certain extent; unless John Holmes is an unlockable character (that’s actually a pretty good idea for a bonus), you’re going to have to work with what your genetics gave you. The same goes for tits, although as you work your way up the rankings, getting surgical enhancement with the money you earn from taking loads in the face is always an option.

We need Porn Star Hero

Despite never having aspirations to get into porn as a career, I have a fair idea of what would entail becoming the next Jenna Jameson or Lexington Steele. Starting at the bottom, you would be shooting audition tapes in poorly lit, low budget hotel rooms, bedrooms and/or dorm rooms hoping that a tube site will accumulate enough views for you to get noticed. You could work in your own angles, positions, vocalization, toys and accessories to set yourself apart from every other person on camera. To supplement your income or lack thereof, you can take gigs dancing at clubs and appearances at seedy conventions where lecherous fans will pay you for photos and the occasional grope. As time goes by, a wealth of options will open for you. Paid shoots will get you money to have physical work done if that is your taste, or you can stick with the body you were given and use the money to put toward better shooting equipment, a high quality website, outfits/costumes and the like. When you reach the top is when you start appearing in legitimate video series from big name production companies; I would imagine Brazzers would jump all over a chance to be in a game like this, given their love of gaming that I discussed in my article on their fighting game sponsorship a few weeks back.

NSFW Gamer

This game could easily be packed with legitimate talent. There is a wealth of names to choose from in the adult entertainment industry who would gladly lend their voices and likenesses to their digital counterparts. Sasha Grey has already had a voice in Saints Row: The Third, and despite her insistence on retirement from porn and not wanting to be involved in any sex worker role, making her a character in this game would immediately give it authenticity. I could actually see her as some kind of villainous character, maybe a Senator who is making it her career goal to shut down a studio where you are making the most of your career. Nina Hartley would be great for not only a character, but a producer and consultant; there are few minds in the business as intelligent and wise as hers. The ladies at PwnedbyGirls.com could also fill out an ensemble cast as girls who are not only hot, but play games themselves. Finally, Randy Spears needs to be in here also. Dude’s fucking killer with the sarcasm.

As for how the game’s mechanics go, I envision a lot of double analog stick-wielding with some quicktime events. Bonuses can be awarded for keeping yourself hard for greater amounts of time, taking a double penetration and nailing the money shot right where it counts. Likewise, penalties for losing your erection, not being able to take all of a black cock and blinding a poor girl with your erratic sperm can be incurred. This would be a killer app for the Kinect, I can tell you that much.

NSFW Gamer

If I had the business savvy and programming know-how, I would launch this on Kickstarter in a second. We already know that porn and gaming mesh seamlessly, so why won’t someone out there take a chance on this? Violence in games is already scrutinized by politicians and watchdog groups as it is – how much more damage could a little hardcore sex do?

– Anystrom0

Image Sources
PwnedbyGirls Cover – PwnedbyGirls.com
Custer’s Revenge Remake: Retroremakes.com
Sasha Grey – X-Art.com
Nina Hartley: LovelyBusty.com

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One Response to “Gamergasm – We need Porn Star Hero”

  1. Dion says:

    Lula, from the PC game Lula 3D, is probably the closest and best thing to what you would call a “porn star hero”.

    In the game, she’s a famous stripper and porn star who is in the middle of producing her own porno, on set, when her stars are kidnapped by men in black suits. That’s the beginning of the entire game’s adventure, essentially.

    The game obviously features copious amounts of sex. Lula withdraws and deposits her entire inventory into her cleavage, and one of the objects in the game is a vibrator. You can use your imagination….

    I’d be interested in seeing a modern, new-gen take on Lula, or any Lula-esque game. The graphics would blow me…away, that is.