E3 2013 Recap: Games and #Girlwood

E3 2013: Games and #Girlwood

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?

This year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo resembled less of a gaming expo and more of a cock-measuring contest with each press conference trying their damnedest to show off the flashiest way of firing a gun or mowing down a zombie. I am generalizing, but among the shit-slinging was quite a lot of the same pandering to the precious dollar.

Just like last year, I have done my homework, watched every live feed and carefully studied each title on display at the show. The precious verdict on Microsoft, Electronic Arts, Ubisoft, Sony and Nintendo will be found after you hit the damned button already.

E3 2013: Games and #Girlwood

Microsoft: Clear Out Your Desk

Microsoft, more than anybody else at this show, needed a moment. They needed a single event at E3 that would have the entire world of gaming media causing Twitter to crash and streams to crap out. They were already on the ropes over the horrendous issue of DRM and used games[link=http://nsfwgamer.com/xbox-one-land-of-confusion/ ] and they had to reclaim a huge chunk of their lost momentum.

Sorry, I have to pause to yawn while recalling the hour I spent watching this drivel.

Sunset Overdrive, Insomniac Games’ first effort on a Microsoft platform, looks like quite a bit of fun. Below was given all of twenty seconds on a stage, a generous offering for an independent studio on a stage dominated by more shooters. D4 is Swery65’s next game, and that’s all I really need to know about the guy who gave us Deadly Premonition. Why Microsoft bothered to shoehorn these games into their bloated presentation, I cannot tell you.

By the time the shilling was over, I had been bludgeoned over the head with Battlefield 4, Halo 5 and Titanfall. Forza 5 tried to explain how the game would learn from my behavior and Minecraft is apparently still going to be a thing. Dead Rising 3 has zombies, believe it or not.

The soullessness with which that trailer was assembled saddens me. 343 Studios got some of the best reception for a Halo game in the entire series, a hell of an accomplishment for their first effort. None of the passion they have for the series is apparent in this the two minutes of what you see above, to the point that “Journey 2” was trending on Twitter instead of Halo 5. “Look, it’s Master Chief! You’ll buy a system just for this, won’t you? Yes you will, there’s a good boy!”

Microsoft expects us to pay $499 for this machine while mandating that it connect to MS central once every 24 hours lest you not be allowed the privilege of playing a fucking video game on a disc. They went out of their way to ignore the complaints directed at them while showing us trite shit like Ryse: Son of Rome, a game that seems to think Romans fought their battles much in the same way the Americans did at Normandy Beach. Metal Gear Solid V looks incredible, but why should I buy an Xbox One to play it? That is a question that never once looked like it could have been answered.

Everyone on the appropriately Mountain Dew-tinged stage spoke with an air of smug, “Smell how wonderful my farts are” tone. Microsoft is slowly shoving away everyone who made them a contender, and when enough people wise up to the fact that a PC can do everything the Xbox One can do, including utilizing its controller, stores are going to shove aside the system to make room for more Nintendo and Sony products.

I thought the needless pandering to low denominators was over, but fuck me, was I wrong.

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