E3 2012: The Ultimate Gamergasm

NSFW Gamer

The 2012 Electronic Entertainment Expo has come and gone, and one thing was made clear to me after this year’s show: the more a company cares about the quality of their video games, the better their products are going to turn out.

I can tell you right away that I am excited as all hell for some upcoming releases, and I was just as much insulted by a few others.

Who am I talking about? Let’s find out in NSFW Gamer’s E3 Rundown!

Microsoft – What? What?! WHAT?!

NSFW Gamer
You WILL buy this, God damn you.

I opened this article by stating that quality can be judged by passion. At one time, the Xbox 360 was considered the system for the hardcore game player, the one you should buy if your number one hobby above everything else was playing video games. If this message was at any time sent to Microsoft, it has been lost on them. We are starved right now for new intellectual property; it’s part of the reason I write for this site, to vent my frustrations with the oversaturated market.

Microsoft was expected this year to at least hint at their next generation of hardware, perhaps to try and get a jump on Nintendo, who would be showcasing everything about the Wii U to get us prepared for the launch at the end of this year. Instead, we got Nike.

That’s right. Rather than giving us a brand new game by someone – ANYONE – based on new IP, Microsoft has partnered with Nike to create a personal training program that can be tracked through the 360, your mobile devices, then reassessed after a few weeks, and why am I still typing this bullshit sentence? I sat through that entire goddamned press conference waiting, PLEADING with Microsoft to prove me wrong, that I was way off in my assumption that they are now balls-deep in business partnerships and ignoring what made them an entertainment fixture in the first place.


Oh, there were exclusive games…Halo 4. Gears of War: Judgment. Forza: Horizon. Splinter Cell: Blacklist (side note: No Michael Ironside? Get the fuck outta here). All of the above are established, millions-selling franchises that reek of “ah, hell, let’s put these out, it can’t hurt.” Don’t misunderstand: I’ve enjoyed all of the Gears games, but there was a time not that long ago that Gears of War was new. I would really like to know that my owning an Xbox 360 is going to give me exclusive access to something huge and innovative, but it looks like I’ll have to wait until the next hardware offering from Microsoft for that, whenever such a system might be revealed.

NSFW Gamer
DLC here first! Awesome, right? RIGHT?!

The rest of Microsoft’s conference was peppered with third-party offerings that were only exclusive in the sense that additional content would be offered first on the 360. Well, hurrah. You’re telling me that I’ll be able to put a leather skintight skirt on Ada a month before I would be able to do it on any other system? Shit, where’s my sledgehammer? I don’t even need this PS3 anymore!

We were treated to Resident Evil 6 (awesome), the Tomb Raider reboot (just as awesome), and a Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 demo. Let me state this straight up: I could not give the slight end of a shit about the entire Call of Duty franchise, I have not purchased any of them and have no intention of doing so…that said, as Geist01 himself has pointed out, this game looks badass. Activision is poised to make themselves a whole hell of a lot of money this November, and after watching the footage of taking control of a jet to escort a president to safety, this is the first time that a COD game doesn’t automatically annoy me on principle.

What did annoy me was that this was basically it for game offerings from Microsoft, and this only took up about half of their show. The rest was devoted to announcing partnerships with the NBA and NHL for their respective league passes, further ESPN viewing, Kinect (ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE KINECT SHIT), features integrated into Madden and FIFA, a new music service that isn’t Last.FM, something called Smartglass that is supposed to help you use your Android, iPad and/or vibrator along with your 360 to stream apps, bonus content and possibly crystal meth.

Also, Usher – get the fuck off the stage.

I’m sorry, perhaps I should sound a little more “professional” when it comes to recapping the biggest video gaming event of the year, but Microsoft absolutely, unequivocally shit the bed this year. Their utter refusal to try anything new and stick with the status quo infuriates me more than anything, and their continued attempts to make us love the Kinect are eventually going to backfire. My favorite part of the conference was about two minutes long – Trey Parker and Matt Stone appearing on stage to talk briefly about South Park: The Stick of Truth, and lampooning the entire Xbox 360 platform in the only way they know how (an irony completely lost on Microsoft, as this video is hosted by them)

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2 Responses to “E3 2012: The Ultimate Gamergasm”

  1. […] Gamer E3 2012: The Ultimate Gamergasm My hands-on E3 2012 impressions Doom 3 BFG Edition announced Star Wars 1313 announced DoA 5 […]

  2. thatguy says:

    No i don not want more mario.
    that is all nintendo has been giving us for this past generation

    mario galaxy, galaxy 2, new super mario bros, new super mario bros wii (arguably the weakest mario ever). Mario 3d land. not to mention all the mario spin offs.
    and what are they launching wii u with. new super mario bros 2.wtf?

    no nintendo you can’t entice me anymore with mario.