Welcome back to our magical journey through the ages learning about the bright (and dim) spots of video game erotica. Last time, we found ourselves taint-deep in the Leisure Suit Larry franchise that started in the late ‘80’s on the PC.
This time, we’ll dive into the deep end of the Nintendo Entertainment System. We’ll dive all the way down to the legendary Panesian games.
Not Safe For Work
The NES had been available in the United States since 1984 and it took 7 years, until 1991 for a company to finally take a chance and put a full-fledged adult game on the system. Panesian decided to take three chances with Peak-A-Boo Poker, Hot Slots, and Bubble Bath Babes. But company’s gamble didn’t pay off because all major retailers refused to stock their shelves with such “obscene content.” In fact, anyone that wanted to buy a copy had to order it special from the back of one of the few magazines that allowed Panesian to purchase advertising space from them. Add on top of that these were unlicensed by Nintendo, so no backing by the big boys either. Because of this, very few ended being sold compared to their family-friendly counterparts that you could buy from any toy store.
Good luck finding one today, let alone all three. You’ll break your wallet getting your hands on one of these puppies. Average eBay sales for any of the three cartridges hover around a grand a piece. More than double that if you want the box and manual with it. The Panesian games are arguably the rarest games on the NES that aren’t associated with a gaming competition or Stadium Events. I’ll never own one, so the good ol’ internet is about the only place I can get a real good look at them. Let’s take a look at each of them shall we?
It’s exactly what you thought it was, strip poker. The gameplay consists of a simple poker simulation where you can see naked ladies for every $1,000 you win, topping out at $5,000. And because this took place long before the Texas Hold ‘Em craze, all you get here is standard five-card draw poker. The three computer-controlled players you get to face off against are named Full House Francine, Double Dealing Debby, and Pok-er Penny.
Flash games that are basically carbon copies of this are rampant all over the internet. We’ve all clicked on at least one of these to pass the time at some point in our e-lives. It’s a simple concept, but this idea was revolutionary for its time. Before Peak-A-Boo Poker came around, the only way to play, and win, at strip poker was to have the courage to proposition the opposite sex in person or on the phone…using your voice. I know it’s hard to believe in 2013 that there was a time without such technologically-advanced ways to make a booty call. No email, no instant messaging, no cell phones, no texting, no Facebook, no Twitter, not even Myspace! You had to actually talk to someone, terrifying I know. I don’t understand why this didn’t sell more. Eh, who needs the sunlight, it burns my skin anyway.
If any of you ever get a chance to play Hot Slots on the cartridge or even emulate it online, you’ll notice it shares a few similarities with the last one. It’s a slot machine instead of five-card draw poker, but the main objective remains the same. The more $$$ you win at this casino, the more skin you get to see. These two games are dangerous to the youth of America. I’ve been to casinos, and while I’ve never really won any money per se, I have seen others win quite a bit. Barely any of the women get naked at all! And apparently I’m the asshole for asking a cocktail waitress to “let me see them titties girl.” Video games are not reality. Also, I apparently like Jagerbombs, a lot.
So, the player gets to choose between three slot machines at the start of the game: Las Vegas, Cutie Bunny, and Juicy Fruits. Each of these machines sounds and looks different, but play about the same. You can bet from 1 to 5 tokens (or “medallions”) per spin. The player can stop each of the reels manually by pressing a different direction on the D-pad. Also, between spins, you can switch to any of the other two machines available.
When someone hits a profit of $210, a partially clothed, full-screen image is displayed of the slot machine’s respective girl. At $300, you get to see a bit more of her skin. And at $450, you get to see the whole shebang sans any clothing. At each threshold, there’s a speech balloon accompanying the image to cheer you on. And yes, this is another game like this in flash form that you can find about a hundred copies of today online.
Bubble Bath Babes
Bubble Bath Babes (say that 5x fast) will remind you of all the other falling block or puzzle games of the era. With the huge sales of Tetris, Dr. Mario, and others like them, puzzle games blanketed the countryside of the early 90’s like dandelions, but with fewer sets of boobies.
The gameplay is very reminiscent of an upside-down Dr. Mario. The point is to steer clusters of rising bubbles and place them so that they touch other bubbles of the same color. When you match enough bubbles together, they pop and disappear. Then the space will be filled in automatically by the surrounding bubbles, making combos a regular occurrence. When the bubbles fill the screen, it’s game over. Have I said bubbles enough times? Bubbles.
There’s a precariously-posed woman at the bottom of the screen watching you play with soap bubbles covering all the wrong spots. If the end of the level is reached, your reward is watching all those bubbles miraculously go away to reveal all her naughty bits. She’s never going to get clean just lying there.
If I was Tetris, and I’m not, I would be threatened. This reward beats the hell out of a music change and the blocks accelerating when you clear a level. And to Mario, no offense, but I sincerely doubt the validity of your doctorate when you’re always off in the Mushroom Kingdom doing the whole damsel-in-distress thing.
And just like that, you know the NES’s deep, dark, little secret of their three unlicensed porno games. I like to imagine that Mega Man, Little Mac and his trainer (obviously the father on Family Matters), Mario, Luigi, Link, Simon Belmont, a bi-curious Samus Aran, and all their NES brethren got together to watch these babes shake it every Friday night.
I’d also like to offer my services for anyone who’d like to send me any copies of the Panesian games for further inspection. You’ll get them back, I swear 😉 See you next time!
– David Chaney