Greetings fellow perverts. This is the second installment chronicling the history of sex and nudity in video games. If you missed the first one, it can be seen here.
There we saw some of the origins of adult-themed gaming on the Apple II and NEC computers in Japan. This time around, we move onto home consoles for the first time, namely the Atari 2600. We get in our DeLoreans, kick it to 88mph, and travel all the way back to 1982 with Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘em, Bachelor Party, and the infamous Custer’s Revenge. Grab your joysticks and hold on.
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All 3 of these games were made by Mystique Games but weren’t licensed by Atari. The company’s products were sold under the “Swedish Erotica” banner even though they were programmed in the United States and manufactured in Hong Kong. Mystique’s game designs were known for being quite simple with unexceptional graphics even for their time, and were generally panned by gamers and critics alike. But you and I both know they were never meant to be the next Pac-man or Space Invaders. They were meant to titillate and entice gamers who wanted to see pixelated boobies and sexual acts on their televisions for the first time.
Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em is exactly what the name suggests if you watch the video. The player controls two naked ladies trying their best to catch all the jizz they can in their mouths from the constantly masturbating man perched at the top a building. The cum comes faster and faster the longer you get in the level. Euphemism overload. Careful not to let a single drop of sperm hit the road to maximize your points. Every 69 points you score you get an extra life…oh I see what you did there!
I’m confused as to why they chose the color yellow to represent the semen. That jack off on top of the building jacking off probably has some sort of infection. After all the fun of gobbling up as much goo as you can is over, the player is treated to watching the two women lick their lips. I suppose they thoroughly enjoyed the taste or are malnourished to the point of starvation. I hope for their sake it’s the former because ejaculate can’t have all the vitamins and minerals needed to sustain a healthy lifestyle. I learned a lot from this game. One, how many synonyms for sperm I could cram into a few sentences, and two, I should stay away from whatever city this game is based in.
The game-play itself is very similar to other games that have a character moving quickly from side to side to catch objects before they hit the ground. In that, this wasn’t exactly groundbreaking. Other Atari 2600 games like Kaboom are examples of this mechanic, but they don’t have the delightfully X-rated dynamic of Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em.
Bachelor Party isn’t a jaunty R-Rated comedy starring a younger, more precocious Tom Hanks. Well it is, but it’s not what I’m talking about here, but that’s an underrated film and you should go watch it nonetheless. Bachelor Party is essentially a sideways Breakout clone where instead of a ball hitting blocks, you’re smacking around a sex-crazed dude trying to stick it to as many women as possible on the eve of his wedding. As you can see, he has a very visible erection. I hate to think of the kind of power-fucking it takes to make a woman disappear instantaneously.
The paddle itself turns out to be “Spanish Fly” that is propelling the bachelor bro towards the loose women ready to be boned. A cute little detail most might not notice is after banging one of the girls, the man’s erection is pointing downward as he heads back for more Spanish Fly. He’s not exactly an endurance champion lasting but a few seconds at a time. Maybe he suffers from erectile dysfunction and is a victim of the pre-Viagra age that will ingest anything he can to keep his dick up. I feel sorry for his soon-to-be bride. I feel worse about myself for getting that much into the back story I made up in my head.
On another note, I didn’t realize that Spanish Fly induced instant boners like that. I always assumed it was an old wives’ tale, but you can’t deny those results. Look at that little bugger go.
A sequel to the game was also made, Bachelorette Party, which is the exact same game with the roles reversed. To anyone that thinks it was made for the sake of gender equality I’ll add this little tidbit, it’s essentially a gang bang. Yeah.
Now for the main attraction. Here’s a game synonymous with controversy and inappropriateness in video games, Custer’s Revenge. It’s always at or near the top of the most offensive games ever lists, and for obvious reason. There’s a lot more to this little adventure than simple sex and/or nudity. It’s also rape and a war crime all wrapped up in a little cartridge. Why wasn’t this game more mainstream?
You play as General George Armstrong Custer, a man that got a good reputation from The Civil War, but is known much more for losing the Battle of Little Big Horn to a large army of Plains Indians led by Sitting Bull in 1876. His forces were easily more superior, but his ego caused him and his army to parish due to underestimating his enemies. It’s become a parable in pop culture. Okay, that’s enough of a history lesson.
Mystique Games apparently came across some classified information about the General that textbooks don’t teach. Before being slaughtered in that battle, he used to tie up Native American women and dodge arrows from her tribe while attempting to rape her, over and over again. It may or may not be based on actual events.
But seriously, that’s the whole game. You score points based on how many times you reach and thrust your man-meat into the defenseless woman (ironically named Revenge) tied to a stake. You thrust so hard in fact, that her legs uncontrollably hop into the air each time. All while dodging to make sure her fellow tribesman don’t cock-block you with their pesky bow and arrows. When you do get impaled by said arrows, you jump in and out of your stationary boots (somehow) with your ever-hard dick flopping up and down. Then you get to try and rape her all over again.
Okay, I’ll say it; Custer’s Revenge is at least slightly insensitive to the plight of the Native American. The back of the game box proves the game doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously, and unsurprisingly, doesn’t pass up a chance at an easy dick joke. Draw your own conclusions. See you next time.
– David Chaney